You despise me and I love you. It's not much but it's just enough to keep.

Rusi over at Contemporary mix of "genius" had a lot to say yesterday. His vicious accusations against me, manifested itself as actual physical lesions (pictured above).
After receiving this injury, I've sort of grown smitten with Rusi.
This must be what battered wives feel, this lusting for the man that hurts you so, and loathing for yourself for keeping him around. I mean I try to keep him entertained through my posts, partake in his war, avidly Google his name, for what? To maybe, just maybe, get a taste of my love returned.

for Rusi:
(my) Heart skipped a beat (for you) - the XX (myspace)
(I am your)Love Fool - The morning benders (myspace)
Best I ever had (is what I would say if he let me come close enough)- Donna, Anna and Ruby(youtube)

Here's my heart Rusi, do what you please. Stomp on it, slice it up, take a Luger to it you nazi fuck. DAMN YOU RUSI, why cant we just be?

So the war's over?

As pathetic as this war has been, I'm glad to post that it's over, and we won. Fuck this trite "no one wins in war"-bullshit. A Side order of Style won, NOW SWALLOW.

CMOG surrendered at 8:25AM today. They did so unofficially through a post about their cat fetishes. As a tactical analyst, I can say they used that post as a suicide ploy to kill all remaining readers by way of deep coma and subsequently sleep apnea. Our research concludes that the post was equivalent to overdosing on about 5o over the counter sleeping pills.

On a more interesting note, I miss your mom jokes. I guess they stopped after enough people responded with "she's dead". They fucking ruined it for everyone... I remember the first time someone responded in that manner to me. It was in Grade 3 during recess, and I rebutted with: "well that doesn't mean it isn't true". That ass cunt of a child ran crying to the closest teacher and told on me. I wasn't there when he told on me (because I was running in the opposite direction) but I bet the teacher chuckled a bit - before having to chase me down. The lesson I learned that day: Deny everything, and milk being cute/ a girl for all its worth.

Like a broken boner, we're nothing to fuck with.

HA, so the CMOG bloggers have declared war. That's cool. Challenge accepted.
So, what happens now?

Well as I wait on the terms of this war. I'm going to go ahead and dole out some advice - everyone seems to be giving this shit out now-a-days. From a reader:

Dear Steph, What do you do when a friend of yours is clearly interested in you but is in a serious relationship with someone else? - Anna

Dear Anna, He's interested, you're interested, I see no problem. I think the problem lies in your unwillingness to experiment in a manage a trois (or her unwillingness.) I don't know, I wasn't given enough details. I say, try seducing her. If she's interested, I bet she wouldn't mind taking turns. I mean what's the worst that can happen? You keep not fucking him?

-Simply Steph

My love is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in.

I'm aware that this mash-up mixed tape has been in heavy circulation. But I can't keep quiet knowing that someone might be missing out on it. This splicing is honest to fucking goodness better than two bite brownies. And coming from me, this means a whole lot - trust.

Did you miss me?

/Rant
Some women come up with the most ridiculous questions. Sad to know men fall prey to these traps everyday...

"Did you miss me?"
In the legal system, the term for this would be entrapment. But for men, this is just everyday shit they have to deal with. How the hell can he say no? (well without having her hold her lady parts hostage from him, that is.) When all is said and done, the girl comes crying to her dearest friends about how he was such a dick for leading her on. And being that dearest friend, you want to tell her "well that's what you get, posing rejection proof questions". But since women just aren't built to take the blame, as a good friend you go ahead and blame the guy too. He didn't have a chance in hell.

"Do I look fat in this?"
Did you expect a truthful answer? I mean no matter what reality is, the answer is going to be no, followed by a "you look (insert ego boosting adjective here)". The worst part is when the woman follows it up with a self deprecating comment. I mean, Fuck off then, you got your heart set on an answer. Why are you setting the man up for failure? God, I hate that I'm grouped together with the likes of you.

"Do you think she's hot?"
Ha, it's like women love to put any relationship with the opposite sex in jeopardy. I mean guys go either way, butter a girl up and say "of course not I didn't even notice her". Or go the honest route and tell her yes. Either way, bredren been set up. I mean some guys might think "oh yeah, my girl is cool she just wanted to know." Well lets hope so, but as a girl with many girlfriends, I see what goes on behind the scenes. After you said yes to how hot the other girl was, she's rambling to all her friends about how you had the nerve, or with conspiracy theories of you cheating. How cool is she now? And if you said no, she feels she can't trust you, because you lied to her.

Moral of the story, to the women, stop setting him and yourself up with these questions. And If you insist on doing it, don't come crying to me, I absolve myself from any responsibility towards the matter. To the Guys, you're fucked.
/end rant

Something to wash the rant down with
Magical World feat. Nelly Furtado - Bassnectar (official site)
Baby I'm Yours ft. Irfane (Jacuzzi Hi-Dive Remix) - Breakbot (myspace)
In For The Kill (Le Castle Vania Remix) - LaRoux (myspace)

Scene1ed.

When you're bored and broke, you can fully appreciate having a bunch of friends that don't mind making a scene with you. You can further appreciate that your aforementioned friends don't read the blog - so now you have the perfect place to upload their photos without protest to take it down. With this in mind, I'll be making it top priority to upload these ridiculous photos here, once a week. This will allow me to do away with the constraints of the English language, and keep you updated just the same.

Highlights of the past weeks:

I'll be working on more amusing photos, or more amusing friends. We'll see how it goes.

this post is a part of the Quantity over Quality initiative.

/rant of a bored university student

"I just don't want to die without a few scars" - Chuck Palahniuk

I'm 20 and inherently self-destructive. Successfully killing my lungs, liver and kidneys - but that just isn't enough. For the past year or so, I've been on a mission to get in a physical confrontation. The big goal is to get a bond villain scar over the eye and down the cheek. Realistically, I'd settle for even a fat lip. It's unbelievably hard to get into a physical confrontation. In the process of me trying, I've made a total of 3 strangers cry and found myself in 2 random make-out sessions (proving that acts of sex can defuse any situation). And as fulfilling as making randoms cry and having really hot make-out sessions, I'm wondering what lengths must I go, just to get some war wounds? I want to finally check this off the list. I'm not asking for a goku-vs-frieza-esque-brawl, I'm just looking for a scar worthy of recognition. JUST HIT ME ALREADY!
/end rant

"I want to fuck you like a dinosaur" , too funny.
Closer(NIN cover) - MGMT (official site)

this post is a part of the Quantity over Quality initiative.

The XX is calling

If you're not on them yet, well.. get on em. If you're just not into them. You should just GTFO NOW. I'm a tolerant person, but your kind isn't welcome around here.

VCR - The XX(myspace)
Heart skipped a beat- The XX(myspace)
Basic Space - The XX(myspace)

I'm completely submersed in the XX right now... and I kinda just wanted to incorporate these photos in more than just my phone contact list. HA enjoy.

this post is a part of the Quantity over Quality initiative.

Wearing your raincoat? Cause this shit'll get you wet.

I'd make the greatest guy in the world. I'd have enough pick-up lines to awkwardly hit on every woman in the world, twice. But I'm not, so I shan't. And who am I kidding, I'd be such a stunning male specimen, I'd never understand the concept of delivering pick-up lines with the droves of women trying to hit it.

ANYwhore, here's some pick up lines for those of you that need em.

You in highschool? What a coincidence! I went to highschool too!
For you particularly scummy people that want to exercise their inner puma/papito. Now take your creepy pick up line, and get the fuck outta here. ya'perves.

*manage a cig off your prospective target* You know I don't really smoke, I just really wanted something of yours in my mouth
This one works for both sexes, but especially in favor for the women. If this doesn't have him buying you a drink or two, you're either hag ugly or barking up the wrong tree. Fortune favors the first reason though... I mean you're using a bloody pick up line.

*flip a coin* So what's my chances of getting head tonight?
For the men: Save this for the special little skank in your life. Or try it out on that girl that just got rejected for using the former pick-up line.

I give great hand jobs... with my mouth.
This is for ya'll nasty ladies that want to be direct and feisty. Do tell how it works out post-deployment. Or don't. I don't know?

If these lines fail, I'm going to blame it on your execution. Everything I write is golden, but you manage to fuck it up. No wonder Simon said such nasty things about you... Well, back to the wreckage that is rejection, ensuing from your fail execution of one of the above lines. Before you leave the scene, you might as well let the fucker burn in huge flames. Go mortal combat on their ass and 'finish' 'em with "you can't afford to be a bitch, you aren't that hot". Just a thought... Then mellow out on some LMFAO.

I'm not a whore - LMFAO (myspace)
Yes - LMFAO (myspace)

XOXO,
aSOS' resident Ronin Robot Dancer

I want..

... to fall in love. And because I wrote that, that 'special someone' just got run over by a 18 wheeler. That's just how the world works. You throw it out there for the world to know, and it'll throw it back in your face, laughing. You want world peace? Pray for the anti-Christ. But the social world works that way too. And that's why you admit to nothing you want, in the social world. You want to look drunk? Swear you're sober. You want to bed her on the first date? Tell her you want to take it slow. You want to offend someone in the office? Start off with 'I hope you don't take this the wrong way'. This is how you get what you want, with the best results. I mean there are other ways to get what you want but it's called douche-baggery, rape & harassment - respectively.

Anyone have spare tickets for the XX in toronto?
Stars - The XX (myspace)

I'd apologize for the state of this blog. But I'm well aware no one gives a fuck. Here's some girl on girl ufc-esque throw down for your hedonistic pleasure.

this post is a part of the Quantity over Quality initiative.

Mix Monday: we got you covered

Did you sneeze? No? Well I be bless'n you with some covers anyway.

No Diggity (Blackstreet boys cover)- Klaxons (myspace)
This cover is like sex on a stick, on fire, smothered in chocolate. Ok, that sounded more appetizing in my mind...

Best I ever had (Drake Cover)- Donna Ibarra, Anna de Guzman, Ruby Ibarra (Youtube)(Myspace)
These girls totally throw down some Tagalog verses. Filipino pride! WORD.

Love Fool (Cardigans cover) - The Morning Benders(myspace)

Hey Ya (Outkast cover)- Matt Weddle(myspace)
LEND ME SOME SUGAR, I AM YOUR NEIGHBOR.

Wonder Wall (Oasis Cover)- Ryan Adams(myspace)

Black & Gold (Sam Gold cover)- Katy Perry(official site)

Burn (Usher Cover)- Pink Nasty(official site)

Current Intern opening here at a side order of style

We are on a search for overqualified personal servants. We are far too busy being awesome to not have slaves interns. Slutever inspired...

Terms of Employment: 20 hours a week minimum, Day, Evenings

Salary:N/A (Your travel / expenses will not be paid.)

Anticipated Start Date: As soon as possible

Location: Toronto Centre, Ontario (3 vacancies )

Skill Requirements:

Education: Some college/CEGEP/vocational or technical training, Some university

Languages: Speak English, Read English, Write English, Body language
*Hot accents preferred (i.e Scottish, British, Irish)

Work Setting: The Streets

Physical Capabilities: Must have a bod made for taking shots off, ability to give anyone the side eye on command

Tasks will include (but not restricted to):

- Transcribing for the blog/our emails/our tweets
- Stroking our egos
- Laughing at our jokes
- Spoon/hand feeding us
- Holding our hair back while vomiting
- Obsessively Googling our names

Thank you to all interested candidates, however, only qualified candidates will be contacted

Say Pardon!

I just heard of Wolf J McFarlane about 20 minutes ago, but I'm already into him in a big way. He's put out an album titled UpsideDownDay Tape Mix for free here.

His shit is catchy, and hell he's from the SCARborough yo, enough reason to get on it. But if you're still skeptical and insist on being a ninny, here's a track of his already FREE album.

Grizzly Bears Panda - Wolf J McFarlane (myspace)

Have a little faith in me, I'm a biologist. & just because, some other things you should get on:

Games you can win - RJD2 (myspace) ft Kenna (myspace)

Cudderisback - Kid Cudi (myspace)

boredboredboredbored

Searching for mental stimuli. Any ideas? yeah, instead of giving out advice, I've turned to open forum. Lame. Especially lame since Google analytics tells me no one actually spends more than 40 seconds on here. Does everyone have some sort of computer peripheral that allows you to smell the desperation and the decomposing? I bet you do, and I've just been walking past it in best buy and shit.

I don't understand how people walk around perusing and 'window shopping'. Shopping should be without the foreplay, it's not your girlfriend, it's your whore. So, in and out you go, throwing your dirty money on the counter on your way out.

boredboredboredboredbored when I find the cure, I'll bottle it and sell it to you for a handsome sum.

The original: Post Secrets

I can only assume Frank from Post Secrets came up with his million dollar enterprise from a public bathroom stall. He would offer the world the anonymity of revealing their inner most secrets without the risk of catching an STI from the bathroom stall. Personally I prefer that people just keep their secrets deep inside and forget this misconstrue idea that their feelings mattering. Lets be real guys my feelings are more important than yours. The End.

Treat me like your mother - Dead Weather (official site)

this post has been brought to you by the Quantity over Quality initiative.

Your street rep holds no value here

Quantity over Quality - My new mantra for my posts. The phrase was coined by Dick and Mac McDonald, the founders of the burger dispensary McDonalds. Or that's at least thats what my double like a Mac told me.
Just a heads up.

Dead beat summer - Neon Indian (myspace)
Lust for life - Girls (myspace)
Bunny aint no rider - Of Montreal (myspace)

It's not the fall that hurts. It's when you hit the ground.

(are there) Ways to come home? - Sebastien Grainger (myspace) and the mountains
buildings and mountains - The republic tigers (myspace)

I'm not building this year on bricks of disappointment. I'll leave that to the people responsible for making horrible (is there any other kind?) movie remakes, tofu, and the driving audience that keep real housewives of 'insert name of city here' on the air. So I added tofu in there because I've been disappointed many a time by tofu masquerading itself as meat. I also did so because points are made in threes. Now know, this isn't a severe digression in thought. My post has reached a colloid consistency that now allows me to continue - I fulfilled my last years resolution, and it still led to egregious dissatisfaction. Not making a resolution would lead one to the conclusion that I just made a resolution to forgo resolutions, which would leave one in the proverbial 'catch 22'. But like Bourne, I thought of that. This is the story of how I stole New years.

On the precipice of January 1st, 2010- I resolved to never use lyrics from a song to title my posts, work on my grammatical styling, and to cut down on the swearing. On January the 5th, I declared in a voice of great conviction: Fuck it. I'll keep to lacing my paragraph's with questionably placed commas, like how I'll keep lacing your brownies with dank love. The end.

And that boys and girls, is how it's done.

Simply.Steph
Reviving the art of story telling since 1969.

Can I borrow your time machine?

&take me back to these moments in time, please and thank you.

Sorry. I promised myself I wouldn't be that person that got all mushy and cliche in light of finding some old photos. Regaining of Composure in 3, 2...

pursuit of happiness (ft. MGMT and ratatat) - kid cudi (myspace)

Mix Monday: Exam time

It's exam time, so as per usual, I find myself compelled to post. Sharing some bearable little Wayne songs. Yeah, I'm aware he calls himself "lil" Wayne, but I'm going to keep it on the real and spell it little - Just because he has chosen the path to sounding ridiculous, doesn't mean I'll resort to such things (unless I was roll'n in the dolla billz to0). So, does he call himself little cause biggie was taken? Or is it truly just descriptive? What am I missing?

Can't stop partying Ft. Little Wayne - Weezer (official site)
Stuntin' Like My Daddy in Beverly Hills - Weezer vs. Little Wayne (official site)
Robo Tussin ft. Little Wayne - Flying Lotus (myspace)
I feel like dying ft. Little Wayne - Flying Lotus (myspace)

Mix Monday: Gobble Gobble

Happy Thanksgiving/Mon/Columbus day!
Give your fam a big hug and take an extra scoop of mashed potatoes for us.

Some Feel good ballads to help you digest:
She's got you high - Mumm-Ra(Myspace)
Everything - Michael Buble(Official Site)
Us - Regina Spektor(Myspace)
Gentlemen Don't - Gabe Bondoc(Myspace)
Loved you Tonight - John West(Myspace)